It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
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PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Did I do this right
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Maybe we should all just live our lives in a way that won’t piss off Kendrick Lamar
