3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Is fructose made with real fruct?