The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
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Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
I want this so bad
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.