Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
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we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
bout dat hot dog summer
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation