Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.

Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!

Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent

“That’s what” – She

Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.

Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.

Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

(Musicians.)

You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that

This one’s “Alex”.

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise

Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.

*all of the ghosts boo in unison*

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship

PIRATE: …Aye

ME: 😊

P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya

Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.

I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*

Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!