Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

Merry Christmas

Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?

*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.

Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said

Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.

My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:

“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.

“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics

If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

Ok doc, give it to me straight.

“It’s cancer”

How bad?

“Really bad, you have 2 months.”

OMG

“APRIL FOOLS!”

Whew-

“You have 2 days.”

finally found a reasonable question

Orange is oranging 🟠

Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.

My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.