Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is a true ally.

told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going

7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?

Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.

People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.

Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’

He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.

“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.

DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light

DOG DRIVER: it was gray!

COP: no, it was gray!

DRIVER: gray!

COP: *starts barking*

DRIVER: *barking*

[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…