Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.

Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.

Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!

[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?

Wife:

Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want

spider: I need 4 pairs of pants

assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress

spider: I’ll give it a try

[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantastic

assistant: very attractive, sir

Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit

[CSI at Starbucks]

“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”

Barista: At what?

“At large”

At what?

“At venti?”

OMG HOW AWFUL!!!

me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]

the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful

me: it can be

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.

Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you

Me: But I couldn’t stop myself

Murderer: But you could of

Me: oh no

Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.

Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY

#NeverForget

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.

One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.