Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.

host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”

Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did

[campfire]

Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.

Millennials: (gasp)

Me: We had to use “adverbs.”

(one faints)

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

It’s that simple 👊🏻

if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes

My spirit animal is fried chicken

[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…

[another scientist who worked on the project] me too

CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks