I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
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I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
Body by sandwich.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.