Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE

My grandmother’s secret ingredient?

Cigarette ashes

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”

Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again

Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.

I live life as a yeti now.

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*

We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

“Please, take me out to dinner!”

“I don’t date married women, sorry.”

“I’m your wife!”

“No exceptions!”

I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.