A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
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I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?