Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:

“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”

me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”

there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.

[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT

“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.

~Me to me

me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.

The Punning Dead.

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

me: when is the last time you had a bath?

4: tomorrow

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.

you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*

me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!

Him: What’s your fantasy, baby

Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS

My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.