Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
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HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
thanksgiving in nutshell
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.