Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
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Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.