My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
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Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
This is my bus stop.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
What if I don’t take meds?
Dr: Depression
What are the side effects of meds?
Dr: Depression
What if I stop taking the meds?
Dr: Depression
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.