Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.

Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?

Him: “… I slept on the couch.”

Mmmm yeahh

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.

me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer

also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.

Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

*Infinite space outside*

A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!

If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.

ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles

Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed

My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me

A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong

Doctor: Describe your usual day

Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat

Doctor: Okay I see the problem

Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or

I adopted a rock.

He just sits there and does nothing all day.

It still beats raising Kylo.

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

So I was in a shoe store this morning and was trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant: “It’s too tight”.

She said: “Try it with the tongue out”,

I said: “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight!”

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.