Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*

Kids: We want a kitten!

Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?

Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky

Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more

Me: I slept through the second half of that movie

Kids: And the first half

Me: Yes

Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time

If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher

My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate

“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”

Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother

I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol

Wife: You’re really on a roll today.

Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.

It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back