Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

You: *sneezes*

Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.

CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:

A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.

All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend

My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude

me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.

Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*

*argument ensues*

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day

Yeah I go to the gym.

Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.

Me: Have a taste of your own medicine

*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*

Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!