‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
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How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
ios update: we’ve changed the keyboard size just slightly again. good luck!
me: god danb ut
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.