Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,

nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh

The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

This may be my favorite dog video ever.

6 month checkup…

Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.

The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink

How’s my day going?

If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.

The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater

made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious