ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
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Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Plants are like “I’ll have a light lunch.”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
not seeing the problem
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Taco Bell, Exit 22
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
So many pants.
So little yoga.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
