My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
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OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
This is my emotional support knife.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked