Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”

“Do you have vegan options?”

“I’m a black belt in tofu!”

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours

*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*

“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”

Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.

Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

Just burnt 2,000 calories…

That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

I hate my earbuds.

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.

Welcome to your 40s, you now don’t understand a single word anyone under 25 is saying

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends