I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
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My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Our dog is a bulldog/beagle/pug mix and I’ve just discovered that all this time, my youngest and most confused child has thought he was a “baldeagle/pug” mix.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Kids get to wear their Halloween costumes to school today which is why my youngest is dressed as “ninja who missed the bus for the 3rd day in a row.”