Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.

Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.

I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’

What do we want?

A CURE FOR PARANOIA

When do we want it?

WHO WANTS TO KNOW

My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house

I hope someone asks me what’s in my pocket because it’s the bra I just took off and a cheeseburger.

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child

if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?

ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.

She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Alexa turn off the planet

Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !

Good parenting 101

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

i wish we could shoplift online

*entire building at my work loses power*

*I run all the way to Linda’s office*

Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?

I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.