Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.

Diabetes was the God of sugar.

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.

I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.

No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.