Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
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I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
“I swear to God I will turn this car around”
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?