Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

*plot gets twisted.

plot: Ouch!

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.

127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake

If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…

Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.

I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

That de-escalated quickly

Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:

G
O
A
W
A
Y

And I am here for that energy.

How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

God: And then let’s send in murder hornets

Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?

God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus

Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?

God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?

Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work

KITTEN: *flailing wildly*

MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off

KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*

MAMA CAT: excellent

if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6

Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons

My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.