[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
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“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU