Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.

*Walks in late to dinner*

I see fed people.

The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.

babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before

Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.

Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.

[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”

“Different fathers?”

“Shark attack.”