Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?

SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it

ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?

i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything

Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”

[sketchy parking lot]

stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?

me: maybe if i get a running start

We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.

[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?

Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved

Me: I look cute today.

Camera: No.

5: Unicorns aren’t real.

13: Where do you think glitter comes from?

10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.

Big Sisters: the original fake news source

My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?

Nope.

Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

Happens to everyone.

*puts ex in Memory Lane*

*revs car engine*

How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?