Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

[marketing meeting]

me: what campaign are we working on today?

boss: spaghetti-o’s

me: uh oh

boss: say that again

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.

I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.

The pharmacist smiles kindly.

Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…

Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.

Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father

dinosaur: omg a meteor

tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*

“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?

BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most

ME: Are u sure?!

B: Yeah easy, trust me

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?

Thank you.

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.

oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

Not recommended for beginners.

Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.

Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.

Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…

Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.