Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
You Might Also Like
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly