No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
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Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!