Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal

I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

you: *finger guns*

me: *collapses*

you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*

me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*

you: *freezes*

me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*

you: *starts to raise your finger guns

me: *finger guns*

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies

I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.

Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much

a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

Some people have a green thumb. My mom was like plant hospice. She helped potted plants pass on with dignity.

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon