My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
You Might Also Like
If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Names should have syllable limits. Oh your name is Jeremiah? Nice to meet you Ted
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
[standing at urinal]
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: i said stop that
me: *shakes*
guy next to me: KNOCK IT OFF
me: *puts down tambourine*
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.