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Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I get distracted pretty eas
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
*3.5 thank you very much.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?