A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
You Might Also Like
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
when dads have a rap battle
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Comparing yourself to others
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you