Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

me: [nervously] how often do these things crash

flight attendant: just once usually

I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?

Feyoncé…

I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

God: you’re a jellyfish.

Jellyfish: nice.

God: you have no bones.

Jellyfish: ok.

God: and no brain.

Jellyfish: oh.

God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.

Jellyfish:

God: you’re H2OhNo lol.

[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok

I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter

I should’ve peed first

– my headstone

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Friend: can I borrow £20?

Me: No.

*slides me £20

Friend: How about now?

I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.

Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.

{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.