Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?

AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief

Wife: omg it’s happening

Me: what is?

*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*

Wife: the baby is coming

Me: what?!

Wife: the baby is coming right now

Me: you’re not pregnant!

*door creaks open*

Wife: run

Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

Her: How would you describe that green sheep?

Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?

Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!

Entrapment 101

[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]

Make a banana annoying.

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy

her: i hate ultimatums

me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

Inside you there are two wolves

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword