Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
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*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.