Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.

I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.

I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share

This kid is a star!

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁

Me: What the hell do you want?

Him: Um, YOU called ME.

please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space

Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”

Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”

What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.

I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

[job interview]

BOSS: Describe yourself

ME: Can’t you see me?

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

Me: *folding a fitted sheet*

Ghost: Ouch.

me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM

me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.