I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
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[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
sliding into dms like
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Ghost costume 😂
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!