It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
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Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
You’re telling me he could’ve gone by “Hugh Mungo”?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
A truck with truck nuts, but all the way around, like a sombrero.
Dumplings,
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist