Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Siri set an alarm for 5am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three

I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

DTF (Down time finally)

-mom’s everywhere

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.

What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.

What I heard: You should go shopping.

[antique store]

customer: I want something new for my living room

me: do… do you know what antique means

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”

ME: i trained my cat to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: name an object pronoun

CAT: me-

ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt

CAT: -ow

HER: this sucks

ME: patience

CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.

Kids… I meant my kids.

It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story

What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game