An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
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Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
why isn’t he texting back
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy