Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
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when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣