Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.

When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.

Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings

me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit

With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-

group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne

Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman

parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys

kids: oh worddddd

COP: drop the gun

CRIMINAL: no

COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no

Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.

Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare

A) Re-open the park

B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.

~dogs, apparently

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME