Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
That’s what I call a flat tire
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.